Larry Webster: Old Christmas wish: money to lose to gambling

Larry Webster
Larry Webster

Today is Old Christmas Eve. Old Christmas happens on Jan 6 each year, but only in Appalachia and other advanced places.

Tonight at midnight, cows and mules and other beasts in the stable get down on their knees and if you sneak out you can hear them praying. The cock will crow all night. No matter how frozen the ground, the elder bush will sprout and blossom, even under the snow.

Tomorrow, Old Christmas Day, is a day not to loan anything to someone, as under tradition you will not get it back. You are not supposed to carry out ashes between regular Christmas Day and Old Christmas Day, so watch your ash until Tuesday.

Old Christmas is likely to be popular and enjoy resurgence among those who shop online and depend on FedEx or UPS for delivery in lieu of Santa.

So this is a time of reflection and joyous gratitude for all that has come our way the previous year. Let us look back and appreciate that which we can.

We thank Thee Lord, for SOAR, which is going to provide jobs and income to us when we particularly need money. After all, if we are going to fund education in Kentucky by what people lose at casinos, we need to come up with that money to lose from somewhere.

To get $300 million for our budget, Kentucky losers will have to leave about $2 million at casinos, and we have got to get that money somewhere. But they do get free drinks.

And we do need the money from SOAR. Banks and stores in the mountains are being robbed so often that you can't buy a decent load of groceries with what the teller hands you.

We are thankful that the right of people to get married is being extended to transsexuals, the 'T' is LGBT. During 2013, we came to know that LGBT is not the initials for the gas company, and we look forward to the first marriage of transsexuals, when a boy who used to be a girl marries a girl who used to be a boy.

This will be a little confusing, even to the bride and groom, but we as a community can help them through with it, as long as the Duck Dynasty guy will keep his mouth shut. You can only tell where his mouth is when he opens it to declare how good Louisiana always was to the colored.

We are likewise grateful for the development of twerking. Twerking, if I understand it, involves shaking your tail at the public, a sort of covered moon. We are proud that this cool new thing was invented by a person who once lived in Kentucky, after he moved here from Alabama but who now lives in Washington D.C. and comes back to Kentucky to collect money from coal operators.

We can be proud that a basketball coach has the guts to kick a player off his team for violating team policy, namely the policy that a player who is scoreless against the Wildcats gets kicked off the team.

There is apparently no Cardinal rule against restaurant table-top sex.

Back in Lexington, we are grateful for talented twins. If something goes wrong with one, there will be spare parts. And the addition of cocktails in the luxury boxes at Rupp Arena will help the wealthy through first round NIT losses, as well as to ease their worries about having to sit next to lowlife students.

So tonight, if you stay up and hear braying, it may not be Fox News after all. Just so we can keep this thing going, I propose another Christmas, maybe called Real Old Christmas, about the middle of January.

We can work on that later, after we pass a law that lets Rand Paul run for constable, mayor of Bowling Green, senator and president all on the same ballot.

Larry Webster is a Pikeville attorney. Reach him at websterlawrencer@bellsouth.net.