Op-Ed

Life in Bevinistan hard when bereft of good hoops tix

Larry Webster
Larry Webster

How do you get poignant? You miss two relevancy pills.

Triple Threat Pett, who is poignant and funny and can draw, called it Bevinistan which prompted an emergency meeting of OHECC (Office of Humor Exporting Cartoonists/Columnists) and it was agreed that it be Bevinistan, and so it is.

There was one “no” vote from one old guy who was worried that Bevinistan has one too many syllables to fit in the state song where Kentucky used be.

There are unconfirmed reports that school children in East Louisville are calling him the Great Leader, singing and marching to his glory. The Great Leader himself was busy unmatting state government, which so far has consisted of abolishing anybody off a state board who has never hit a big lick and replacing them with somebody who is from Lexington or Louisville and who has hit a big lick.

The Great Leader has handled more boards in Frankfort than Lyons Lumber Company.

He cleaned the Horse Park board of former first lady Jane Beshear, rid the Workers Compensation Nominating Commission of anybody who every thought of paying an injured worker, and sacked the Pension Board for not raising taxes. He abolished the Tourism Development Authority, misreading the name as “Terrorist Development Authority.”

The worst of all happened to the University of Louisville, bereft of good basketball tickets. It is immoral to take away the basketball tickets of all those college board members without a hearing. You don’t just up and lose a ticket like that. Not to mention putting that university president on the road where he may have to hold up cardboard at an intersection to have enough money to eat supper on.

For the safety of his people, the Great Leader suspended habeas corpus, declared martial law and officially reduced the number of disciples down to about five, as many as anybody can remember.

This just in: the Associated Press reports that Rick Pitino just fired the governor of Bevinistan by executive order and replaced him with Muhammad Ali’s little brother. This bold move was designed to assure that basketball recruits continue to have access to under-age girls.

Frankly, all this proves the American Revolution was a big mistake. If England voted to leave the European Union, we need to vote to surrender, retroactively, to the British in the Revolutionary War and submit to the queen, and have a more honorable form of government than democracy, which lets people have guns.

Reach Larry Webster, a Pikeville attorney, at websterlawrencer@bellsouth.net.

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