The arming of school teachers will do much to resurge the flagging gun sales industry — an industry which, more than anything, needs a Democrat in the White House again.
So we in Pike County were proud to be the first district in Kentucky to respond to recent school shootings by voting to arm our teachers. It is fitting, for there are 3 million firearms in the United States and most of them are in Pike and Floyd counties.
It came down to two alternatives to help prevent school shooting. The minority on the school board thought it more sensible to place prostitutes in the schools; realizing that a lot of those shooters are misfit nerds, and mind you, not all nerds are likable, who think they have no prospects to do what young boys want to real bad and what they mistakenly think everybody else is doing.
But that presents problems. Board members realized that if they had to hire prostitutes, or got to, that soon everybody would want you to hire his niece. And, if the poor could not afford to pay the prostitute the government would have to, and no high government official would ever condone paying for one.
So it came down to Marm arming. I don’t think they would need to holster up Miss Mary Callaghan at the Pleasant Home Elementary School, as long as she had that ruler. But, if we are going to expect our teachers to battle automatic rifle fire, they will need not rulers, but bigger assault rifles than the misfits.
Maybe we could ban assault rifles if you are under 21, but let you buy a muzzle loader. They would be hard to sneak inside a backpack and the shooter could only get off one round, maybe two.
Teachers had better be careful who they shoot. One stray bullet could cost a superintendent his third vote on the board. Trained marksmen in battle hit their targets about 18 percent of the time. So there is a decent chance that a teacher in battle will shoot nine rounds that may hit someone else.
What if a Hatfield teacher shot a McCoy freshman? What if a cheerleader were accidently cut down after spending thousands of hours of her life learning something absolutely worthless.
Would those tall Islanders from Turks and Caicos, attracted to Pike County by the seafood, be at risk — even if they do not wear hoodies?
Just to be safe, whoever is teaching teachers how to shoot had better change the color of the human cut-out targets at practice so teachers don’t get into any reflexive habits. In time, if school shooters start to get younger, they will have to make those targets smaller.
On the upside, little grade-school atheists will be afraid not to pray with the others when there is a Christian with a gun nearby.
The problem is, both sides are right. The National Rifle Association is absolutely right about the Second Amendment. Everybody else is right about the dangers of too many weapons. Safety vs. freedom.
Reach Larry Webster, a Pikeville attorney, at firstname.lastname@example.org.