Merry Christmas from the place that likes to study itself, from the home of Lorcet smiles (all gums) and where all the poor people are fat.
In an early Christmas present to the University of Kentucky, the National Institutes of Health is giving $11 million for our scholars to figure out what makes people fat. For about one-eleventh of that sum, I could give them some strong hints, but wait until I have finished my biscuits and gravy and don't make me get up out of this recliner and walk over there to tell them.
To those who say that we Eastern Kentuckians need more exercise, we say this: We get plenty of exercise. It's not like the bathroom gets up and walks in here to the television.
Ten thousand people a year die while jogging, and still Congress does nothing.
There have been other reasons for yuletide cheer. For one thing, Republicans in Congress have said that they might maybe possibly extend long-term unemployment benefits to those out of work because of the Bush recession whose checks will stop Dec. 28, but they don't want to do it now because they have to run home and Christmas shop.
They don't want to do it at all if they can blame Obama for them being out of work.
We won't have to worry any more about unemployment in coal country, after Congressman Hal Rogers and Gov. Steve Beshear put us all in a room and basically told us that they didn't have a clue, so figure it out ourselves.
All the good ideas at the SOAR conference will produce jobs in 30 years or so, which is how long it will take a lot of us to figure out what broadband means, but if anybody had a notion what can be done to put somebody to work next year, they kept it to themselves.
Our congressman was kind enough to list the hundreds of jobs he had brought to the section of his district close to Somerset. The best he could do up here is his Jailers for the Nation program, by which ordinary people are turned into prison guards, which means they end up weirder than the ones on the other side of the bars.
Some of you old enough might remember liberals. You will be amazed to hear that Fayette County actually elected one to the state Senate. You could tell that Reggie Thomas was a liberal just by looking at him, as liberals always have thinning hair and are tall. He will join the ranks of Democrat senators in Frankfort, but might be the only one not ashamed to be a Democrat. He will be under the leadership of Sen. Robert Stivers, from Clay County, where one form of artificial ecstasy (drugs) is being overcome by another form of artificial ecstasy (religion).
In other drug news, science has declared that anti-bleeding stuff (Lasix) makes horses bleed more and anti-germ stuff (hand sanitizer) helps the spread of germs among yuppie humans. This should result in a DARE program for horses and social workers removing children from homes in which hand sanitizer is used and putting them in dirtier, healthier places.
'Tis not a jolly season when meek and gentle storekeepers from India who came here for a better life get shot to death by some idiot. We must protect our new friends from India, these wise men from the East who gather under our star and whose stores have the smell of faraway spices.
Larry Webster is a Pikeville attorney. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org.