So you want to scare your neighbors on Halloween? We have Clinton, Trump masks

Usually, Halloween falls just days before the election. But this year, because of that freaky first Tuesday-after-a-Monday-in-November rule, they are a full week apart.

Let’s face it: This election is so scary, even Halloween wants to steer clear of it. But more than ever, we can’t resist reviving our tradition of providing you, our readers, with full-size Halloween masks of the top presidential contenders.

Now you have no need to buy a real costume. But we have some suggestions for the more energetic among you, who might wish to put, say, an hour’s effort into perfecting your Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump look that you may terrify the neighbors into giving you the Nestle chocolate fun-size items and not the cheap lollipops.

For Hillary Clinton, use our mask and:

(1) Add a pantsuit. Jacket must be tunic length; future presidents do not reach up to make a point and show belly skin or knickers. Well-fitted gabardine fabric is preferred, and nothing shiny, because shiny looks cheap. Low heels are suggested, because we think that Ms. Clinton might have a touch of the rheumatiz in the knees, and you’ll see her in stilettos when the edges of hell start to crystallize.

When selecting Clinton shoes, think: Would these shoes serve me well in a footrace against the Queen? If the answer is yes, wear them.

(2) Wave by pointing and smiling as if you’re just seen your best friend ever about 10 feet away, then put together your first and second fingers in a pincer grip. The importance of the pincer grip cannot be overstated; for pointers, watch Kate McKinnon nail it in her Hillary Clinton impersonations on “Saturday Night Live.”

(3) You want to jazz up your hair? We recommend a honey base color with buttery highlights, cut in the manner of an authoritarian PTSA president: bobbed and unmoving and ready to wait until you cave on your foolish insistence that Gogurt is not really a fruit substitute.

For Donald Trump, use our mask and:

(1) Start with overusing spray tan; you might want to lay in a couple of those green industrial pot-scrubbers for when you’re trying to get it all off later in the shower. Just ladle it on if you have to. You want to look as if you turned the tanning bed to extra-crispy.

Take a bag of Cheetos and stomp on them. Take the powder and a foundation brush — those are the big ones, guys — and dust it around your face and hands and up into the hairline. You don’t have to be precise, because that Trump hairline, it goes on for days.

Do all of this before you get into your suit. Otherwise, you’ll look as if a vacuum cleaner exploded on you.

(2) The suit has to be nice, as befitting an infinity-illionaire, but somehow odd-fitting in the shoulders. Shoulder awkwardness is essential to a good scowl; Richard Nixon could have taught a course on this. You’ve got to have an American flag pin. A blue tie is best, because you don’t want to go too far with a crazy palate, so you can save some crazed style for the hair.

Bonus points: Add a non-working portable microphone and sniff frequently.

(3) The hair, if you choose to add it — you will see that our cleverly designed masks include hair drawn on the front — will require some work. As Trump, you want blond hair that looks as if Heather Locklear fell asleep in a bath of pure hydrogen peroxide for a decade. You want it cut so you have a few random tufts peeking out around the ears, and you’re on your way.

You’ll want to buy several cheap wigs for this effort. You are not ever going to leave your real hair like this.

(4) Shoes. Lace-up black business shoes that look as if someone just shined them, someone whom the Donald won’t tip. If you’re really ambitious, have a “Mike Pence” behind you to deny that ever happened.

This story was originally published October 27, 2016 at 11:21 AM with the headline "So you want to scare your neighbors on Halloween? We have Clinton, Trump masks."