Freedom best when Bevin chooses it for you

Coleman Larkin
Coleman Larkin

“There is nothing more American than the freedom of choice.” — Gov. Matt Bevin

Like Bevin, I love freedom. It’s what makes us so free.

But the freedom to be free is far from free.

Sometimes the freedom comes at a great cost and so it must be protected. If we’re not careful, like Bevin is, people will use up all of the freedom and then there won’t be any left.

It’s important then, for freedom’s sake, to protect the freedom by making sure it’s really hard to get to. Put it behind a big locked door in Frankfort, for example, where it can’t be bothered by a bunch of disrespectful loudmouths in the hallway.

Keep it quiet out there, jerks. You’re disturbing the freedom.

Bevin will let you have some of the freedom when he’s done making sure you can’t hurt yourself with it. Not too much and not too little. Just as much as you can handle. He knows. Trust him. Learn from him. Maybe one day he’ll let you touch it. The freedom, I mean.

If freedom is my favorite thing (and it definitely is) then choice is a close second.

God, it feels great to choose. Bevin taught me that. Nobody loves to choose more than Bevin. He and his friends love to choose so much that they do other people’s choosing for them. Why shouldn’t they? They’re free.

Besides, people are always using their freedom and their choices to do things that they want to do. As freedom experts, it’s very frustrating for guys like Bevin and I when a bunch of amateurs start trying to call the shots.

For example, everybody who’s anybody knows that, in America, you can choose to be poor or you can choose to be rich. But it seems like every year, especially in Kentucky, more and more people are choosing to be poor. Choose rich, idiots! It’s obviously better.

While we’re on the subject, if you chose to be gay for some reason in the past, now would be a good time to choose to be straight again. It just makes things easier. See? Freedom!

Don’t worry, Bevin won’t take all the fun out of your freedom to choose. He knows what he’s doing. If he only gives you one possible solution to your problem, you’re still technically choosing it aren’t you? And you won’t have to worry about if you made the right choice or not. Of course you did.

A white Christian man with more money than you told you what to do. Isn’t that what freedom of choice is all about?

And why did you choose to have a problem in the first place, genius? That wasn’t very smart. Best to leave that kind of thing to the pros.

Coleman Larkin of Shelbiana is a writer, artist and cook. Reach him at colemanlarkin@gmail.com.