Op-Ed

Grizzlies just the tip of the spear

Be afraid, be very afraid.
Be afraid, be very afraid. Associated Press

I had strong reservations about President Donald Trump, but Betsy DeVos, his proposed secretary of education, has persuade me that a Trump administration will address serious threats to our American way of life that have gone unnoticed by previous presidents.

During an interrogation by liberal Connecticut Sen. Chris Murphy, DeVos rose valiantly to put him in his place: When Murphy confronted her as to the need for guns in schools, she defiantly stood for her conservative group: “I think probably there, I would imagine that there’s probably a gun in the school to protect from potential grizzlies,” she said.

Praise Jesus, we finally have a real chance of having someone with common sense in charge of the useless Department of Education. DeVos has foreseen the coming apocalypse and has warned us of the woeful state of our unpreparedness for the coming conflict.

Many nights I have lain awake terrified of Smokey The Bear terrorists killing me and my loved ones in our sleep. I fear we are not ready for the inevitable escalation.

We get guns in the schools to protect against a bear attack and they wage, dare I say, guerrilla warfare with automatic weapons to maximize the carnage.

We get bulletproof vests for our children and they get armor-piercing bullets.

We set up steel-jawed bear traps around the schools and they start setting up IEDs.

While we pusillanimous slackers have wasted out time watching shows about wildlife on “Animal Planet” and “National Geographic,” our furry friends have been spreading their ursine propaganda and indoctrination to recruit other animals to overthrow our domination of the human race given by God Himself in Genesis.

Yes, there are answers in Genesis and we had better be paying attention.

In his classic treatise, “The Art of War,” SunTzu, advised combatants to “Know your enemy.” I feel it is my duty to do my part to educate unsuspecting and vulnerable American citizens.

While we dither in our complacency, our animal enemies have already organized and mobilized into fighting units identified by Special Forces names. Here are a few examples to show the inherent militancy seething right before our eyes:

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of baboons is called a troop.

A group of bucks is called a clash.

A group of camels is called a caravan.

A group of kangaroos or cattle is called a mob.

A group of coatis is called a band.

A group of cranes is called a siege.

A group of doves is called a plague.

A group of elephants is called a crash.

A group of giraffes is called a corps.

Let us not forget the most menacing and ubiquitous threats of all: armies of ants. We already know that ants outnumber humans by a gazillion to one. If thoughts of goose-stepping six-legged arthropods devastating whole regions as they sweep ruthlessly out of their subterranean cities do not make you shudder, don’t expect to hunker down in my survivalist shelter. These formicates brazenly flaunt their belligerence and nefarious weapons of choice: ever heard of fire ants and bullet ants?

Anyone who doubts the all-too-real threat of animal attacks need only read the account in Exodus of Egypt’s plagues of lice, frogs, flies and locusts to be scared witless.

This is not the time to cower in our homes and wait the coming onslaught of the critters that have lived in our midst while plotting attacks. We cannot wait for the glacial effect of the so-called global climate change to drive them to extinction. We must arm ourselves with flea bombs, cans of Raid, boxes of D-Con and high capacity magazines of cop-killer ammunition to wage the imminent Armageddon.

Thanks to Betsy DeVos, we will be ready.

Forewarned is forearmed.

Roger Guffey of Lexington teaches math.

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