The Op-ed of Our Lord

The Kentucky Senate and House approved, on the last day of the legislative session, resolutions to ensure their documents are dated with the phrase “in the Year of Our Lord

Gov. Matt Bevin likes to use the terminology in his godly proclamations and state Sen. Albert Robinson, R-London, says, “It’s important for us to go back to the basics of our U.S. and state constitutions that used that phrase. I’m also trying anywhere and everywhere I can to respect our creator.”

I couldn’t agree more. I might only be 5 Lord Feet and 8 Lord Inches tall, but I’ve always been Kentucky’s biggest proponent of Lord-based measurement. Aside from being one of the most important issues facing our commonwealth, its implementation just makes good, common sense in a world that, I think, doesn’t go far enough out of its way to help me ignore my objective insanity 100 Lord Percent of the Lord Time.

Allow me to Lordsplain.

2,018 Lord Years ago, back before there was such a thing as time, or anything worth talking about really, the Lord was like, “You know, these first 13 billion whatever-you-want-to-call-thems have been pretty good practice, but I think I’m ready to make it official. Real actual Lord Time starts riiiiiiiiight NOW!”

And all the Mayans and Druids and stuff were like, “Are you serious, guy? It took us like a thousand non-Lord years to get our henges set.”

And The Lord was like, “Sucks for you, stupid. Should have killed some lambs for me and chopped your foreskin off and then you wouldn’t have this problem.”

Jump ahead a couple Lord Centuries and the good people (us) discover America, the Lord’s favorite country of all Lord Time. Before we got here, the dumb Indians had no idea what time it was. It made them very annoying to hang out with, so we were like, “Here’s some dirty blankets. Our Lord wanted you to have them.”

Problem solved.

Now, here we are in The Year of Our Lord 2017. I’m getting three solid Lord Bars from my neighbor’s Wi-Fi signal and I’m typing this op-ed on a paper-thin computer that can hold over 100 Lordabytes of information. Miraculous, isn’t it?

Hold on. I think I burnt my popcorn again. Man, that stuff is tricky. It’s like 3 Minutes and 30 Seconds of Our Lord isn’t enough, but 3 Minutes and 35 Seconds of Our Lord is too much. Maybe 1100 Lord Watts is more Lordowave than I need. I’ll look into it Lord Later and let you know.

Anyway, my point is that we’ve come a long way in a short amount of Lord Time. Back before Lord Time started, for example, there wasn’t any Pepsi. People drank water. Yes, water, as in that stuff from the toilet. These Lord Days, with Pepsico’s help, the average Kentucky child consumes 32 Lord Teaspoons of sugar every 24 Lord Hours. Now the life expectancy of people in rural Kentucky is about 12 Lord Years less than the national average. Cool, huh? Live large, not long. That’s my motto.

There’s even a show on TLC all about Americans who weigh over 600 Lord Pounds. Check it out. I think it comes on Thursdays of Our Lord at 9 o’Lord p.m.

Speaking of human achievement, did you see the news? Just a couple Lord Days ago we dropped the MOALB on Afghanistan. That stands for Mother Of All Lord Bombs. 11 Lord Tons of TNT with a kill radius of 1.7 Lord Miles, buddy. That’s 46.024 Lord Gigajoules of pure planet-destroying power! Lord yeah!

But don’t worry. We’re taking care of business on the home front, too, incarcerating more people than any nation in all of human history, Lord Years AND Pre-Lord Years. Not bad for a country that hasn’t even celebrated its 300th Lord Birthday yet. Guess that’s how we got to be the Lord’s favorite.

And Arkansas has plans to execute seven people in just two Lord Weeks. They’ve got to be quick about it because they’re down to their last few Lord Liters of midazolam and won’t be able to get any more after the end of this April of Our Lord. Crazy, I know. They say that in The Year of Our Lord 2014, Arizona used a lethal injection of midazolam to execute some guy and it took two Lord Hours and 15 Lord Injections. Instead of going right to sleep like he was supposed to, he gasped and choked for a whole Lord Hour.

Didn’t seem like that long to me, though. Lord Time flies when you’re having fun!

This story was originally published April 14, 2017 at 8:20 PM with the headline "The Op-ed of Our Lord."