To retaliate, a group of progressives is going to attack Asbury and hack some conservatives.
In the old days, hacking meant getting some Russian to help you in the election, but it is newly and oldly defined as mangling with repeated strokes in an aimless and bungling manner.
But our president has cheerled hacking of both kinds, even asked Putin to do one of them, but because that word is confusing, some real Americans misunderstand and don’t know which one Trump wants them to do.
Hacking blues, or even reds, in a college with a — well, was it a machete like you would cut sorghum with or was it something like a Case double X, which no doubt looked like a machete to somebody about to be hacked — that kind of hacking requires some aforethought, some planning.
If we decide that we must not merely defend against hacking, but hack back, or first strike hack, or hack them the most, we will need specialized training and here it is.
First of all, polling people whom you will kill if they answer wrong leads to a much higher margin of error than those polls which predicted Hillary. After about a killing or two, the political views of potential victims tend to soften. You could inadvertently kill one of us.
Secondly, don’t choose a room with any chairs, and especially not one near powerful women of courage. You want to pick a large enough college so that the security officers won’t be there so soon.
But you do want to pick one where a security officer who has a chance to shoot you puts it off as long as he can and doesn’t. He will be soon forgotten while we watch dash-cams of quickie triggering.
Now, if I were a security officer and there were two security officers and one of us had to charge somebody with a machete, I would go on break.
Ted Williams, some say the best hitter ever, argued for a slight uppercut, saying that the ball was coming down from a higher plane. Then along came Charlie Lau and said, no, sort of hitch and chop down as you swing.
So when attacking liberals, you never know which way to chop.
Try not to cut yourself. Cutting yourself in a knife attack is very distracting. It’s like coming unarmed to a battle of wits.
One place to learn how to fight is Main Street in Pikeville, picked for a Saturday afternoon fight because it had been 40 years since a human had been spotted on Main Street in Pikeville on Saturday afternoon.
In fact, I could give you a hundred dollar bill and tell you to try to buy something in Pikeville on Saturday afternoon and keep the change and you would have to give it back.
We needed the excitement that white supremacy brought to our sleepy, yet pretentious little town.
The police got adrenaline and the chance to be around one another and try out some of that equipment; liberals got to hold up signs and the college kids were told to go home.
When the city fathers — there being no mothers on the commission — heard that certain Americans were coming to town to express radical views, they did what any good American city would do.
They rushed through an ordinance restricting the First Amendment rights of fools.
I ask you, will that cause more fools or less fools?
Reach Larry Webster,
a Pikeville attorney, at firstname.lastname@example.org.