Russian meddling OK with good pay, whiskey for votes

After he invented non-alcoholic moonshine and got rich, Tie Rod called in on Swap Shop and announced to Radioland that he wanted to buy some Russian war bonds. His portfolio now consists of stock in American Water and Continental Gas. He is going to hold his water and let his gas go.

He wants to unload his gas stock before coal rises again and puts gas companies out of business.

He has himself had back-channel lines of communication with Russians, namely some of those Russian women who fall in love with Americans over the internet and marry them for five years.

These women are neither choosy nor newsy. They just tend to fall out of love just as quickly after five years and they get their papers. Besides that, Tie Rod at the time was married to dictator-enough.

Tie Rod doesn’t mind Russia meddling in our elections as long as they are on the right side and pay good for votes and provide good whiskey at the polls, and as long as they will let us meddle in South American elections. But he just doesn’t want to fight Germany, which he fears because Trump broke up with Angela, calling her a bad girl. Tie Rod wondered if Trump would try to spank her.

They cannot agree on climate change. Frau Merkel, a physicist, sees it as a threat to civilization. Herr Trumpf, over-egoed, says it is a hoax started by a bunch of no-floe polar bears and homeless penguins and every month now is the hottest, coldest, wettest or driest because Jared Kushner, the world’s foremost authority, has not had a chance to straighten things out.

Tie Rod’s Fifth District of Kentucky is on the brink of extinction.

It is already the saddest congressional district in America, but should improve under the Trump budget and Trumpcare, which tells the district where to go.

Maybe if enough poor people starve or die of runny nose, Tie Rod’s happy quotient will go up. One assumes that only the poor are unhappy.

But the worst problem facing Tie Rod’s district is exhaust fumes from foreign doctors’ Mercedes leaving in droves. No new ones with funny names from funny-named places are willing to come to America to keep us well, in exchange for our hostility toward them.

Tie Rod sees the day when the majority of baseball players will not have names that end in “ez,” and there will be somebody in a spelling bee from other than the Far East.

But he dreads Americans having to bend over and pick up stuff. His nephew escaped from work release last week, not because he was afraid of jail, but because he was afraid of work. They were making him pick up stuff.

Bending over and picking up stuff is un-American.

This story was originally published June 3, 2017 at 4:49 PM with the headline "Russian meddling OK with good pay, whiskey for votes."