Op-Ed

Left soon to fight Civility War against the Right

Belleville News-Democrat

The “Civility War” has yet to be declared but is something we need to get ready for: left fighting right.

First thing we got to realize is that the right has all the guns. What if President Donald Trump got a few Republicans to join with Democrats and do gun control and suddenly you couldn’t buy heat? The right doesn’t need guns. They average about 18.5 guns apiece already.

The first thing we would have to do is take out the Atlanta airport and a couple in Texas. We would need to do that on day one, and I imagine we could get some techie to do that on a computer.

Next thing, is we would have to get rid of all those statues. They only inspire the right. They make privates think they will become generals and get a horse.

Personally I will be glad to see that hero on the horse at the old courthouse in Lexington go. I remember one night being on that statue painting that horse’s balls red in order to get into a fraternity and go alpha. This was, of course, back when the statute of limitations for painting a horse’s balls red was five years. I remember thinking that getting away from the underside of animals was the main reason I went to college.

But all semblances of the Old South must go. We should forbid old blue-headed women in Central Kentucky from talking that way while they eat those Benedictines. These women are descended from the aristocracy, whose war the Civil War was. It was a rich man’s war and a poor man’s fight. If they are going to put up a statue, it ought to be of somebody off a horse walking through the mud.

But I digress to reminisce. Back to the war. The left would have Mexico and that would be a tremendous help. We could invade the South from anywhere along the Mexican border, unarmed, but hurling invective. We would get Germany, if we start the war soon enough. England is up for grabs.

I expect the Civility War will be over in a couple months, kind of like Afghanistan; but to be safe, a liberal militia will be conscripted. Of course they will all be from the city. We will go door to door and offer logic and reason and they will sign up by the tens.

Demographics are a problem for the left. The right controls three-fourths of the land area and counties in the country. If we win and set up a new government we have got to remember to make seats in the United States Senate according to population and not give ignorant little states two senators and California only get Barbara Boxer and that other woman.

I don’t mind the war as much as people who will have to fight it will. Woody Allen said once that his military classification was such that in case of war, he would be a hostage. That’s for me because I would prefer right-wing food, as I was raised on it and it does not totally depend on garlic.

Larry Webster, a Pikeville attorney, can be reached at websterlawrencer@bellsouth.net.

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