Caveman Tie Rod hiding from his past

Tie Rod has moved into a cave and will stay there until this sexual-harassment thing blows over. He fears a mob of newly motivated women with sticks will charge up his mountain, leaving the trailer park vacant until they get back.

Tie Rod doesn’t think it if fair for an old man who can’t do anything to be held to account for the fact that God gave young men thinking organs and sex organs but not enough oxygen to run both at the same time. He is trying to figure out what to say when confronted with his libidinous past, during which he at times was anywhere from awkward to near-Cosby. He says he couldn’t help it then and he can’t take it back now.

All that is easy to think if you are in a cave, but if actually accused of excess hormoneing, he has three choices: the Roy Moore flat denials, the Al Franken “It was all comedy,“ or the shared feelings explanation of Charlie Rose: “Both of us wanted me to grab her butt. All twenty of them.”

Actually, there is a fourth way out, the Donald Trump method: I did it. I will probably do it again. Who cares?

Historically, a denial is the best route.

Tie Rod’s friend Junior was glum and sad-faced, and Tie Rod asked what was bothering him. Junior went on to explain that he had been at a party, went into the bathroom and caught his wife and his friend in the act. “What did you do then?” Tie Rod asked. To which an exasperated Junior replied: “Don’t you know, they lied out of it.”

But it is bad when a guy like Tie Rod longs for another mass shooting to turn attention away from the way men are. Soon there will not be a quorum in Congress and instead of Rose’s questions on television, there will be dead air and those colored stripes you used to see back when they shut down so you could go to bed. Now you can stay up and watch porn.

Tie Rod, like others, thinks hanging around a mall is creepy and wonders why young girls do it. Tom T. Hall, with Carter County sense, sang that men wanted faster horses, older whiskey, younger women and more money. It might be one thing to cruise a mall for one of those, but a harasser better hope that none of those girls takes his bait. He could end up married to a chronic shopper. Dreadful.

All this can be blamed on John F. Kennedy, who had to prove his manhood a lot because, as Tie Rod recently found out on a documentary, Kennedy’s college roomie and lifelong best friend was gay. So he didn’t wear a hat, started the Vietnam War, and had dalliance with people like Marilyn Monroe and mobster groupies, people that nobody would notice. No harm, no foul.

Tie Rod also blames mothers for not teaching their daughters to slap faces at appropriate times, or to say stuff like, “Nobody wants to see your favorite toy, boy.”

This story was originally published November 22, 2017 at 5:56 PM with the headline "Caveman Tie Rod hiding from his past."