Time to call out sexual assault and say it is unacceptable

I was 45 years old when I gave it a name. And until a behavior has a name, it can always be excused.

A newly single professional woman, mother of two young adults, I was attending an informational session for church employees and clergy. A video showed two gowned clergy, male and female, face each other across a font — a scene set for a baptism.

But what happens next has nothing to do with a religious service. The man lifts his hand, and caresses the woman’s cheek. Reflection in the water of a shocked face. Screaming, she emerges from the water.

The scene, it turns out, was a nightmare repeated again and again as this woman struggled with whether or not to report her superior for sexual abuse. Did she misinterpret that touch? Had she done something to make him think she would accept his advances?

Following scenes showed how, in reporting the unacceptable and inappropriate behavior, the victim is further traumatized by a system that turns against her, refusing to believe that this “fine man,” now a “victim” of vicious rumors, would ever behave inappropriately.

Glued to my chair, I realize I am shaking. How naive I am. I have felt that kind of caress before. Just recently, in a professional meeting with an old friend, who is married to someone I know, as a matter of fact. I brushed it off and kept on talking.

But I remember other times. A hip brushing close — too close. An arm around my waist, moving, positioning itself. “He’s a flirt.”

Here in the South we would, I’m sure, laugh that tiny laugh that covers up discomfort, use an elbow or knee and scoot safely away. We knew whose husbands had their moves in the back hallway during a party. We knew who to avoid, particularly if alcohol was involved.

We trained our children not to speak to strangers, not to let anyone touch them. And we trusted that the boys they would come to know would be nice boys, just as we trusted their scout leaders, clergy, coaches and teachers. Real sexual attacks happen on dark city streets, during home break-ins by violent strangers.

My wake-up call came with that training video. It opened my eyes to behaviors I had both observed and experienced, yet had been taught by the culture to shrug off. And as unbelievable as it seems today, there was little conversation about the moral and ethical environment that would allow this issue to be widespread.

Sexual assault encompasses any inappropriate or unwelcome behavior of a sexual nature committed without consent, by force or intimidation. It may include sexual harassment, non-consensual sexual contact to attempts to contact, sexual exploitation, relationship violence or stalking.

Leading recovery groups for those re-writing their stories after death or divorce of loved ones gave me real-life examples of what happens physically and emotionally when the violation surfaces in full conscience.

It is heart rending to watch the victim of assault as the old image surfaces. The eyes say that the person has gone somewhere else. Whether the place and time were 15 years ago or 35, it is not a place to go by choice. A time, place and person one would choose to forget — if we could.

It is #MeToo time. No one is laughing anymore. The behavior has been recognized and named. It is not acceptable to ignore a reported assault or to give it token treatment. The accusation of sexual assault by a man nominated to the Supreme Court for his lifetime has the nation’s attention — attention that feels more personal than other recent cases of powerful men removed from important professional positions.

Lost in the political wars is true understanding of the long-term damage such an assault does to a life, and the unpredictability of when the old demon rears its ugly head to destroy a relationship or cripple a person with depression or anxiety.

This story was originally published September 20, 2018 at 7:27 PM.