Tie Rod was voted by his class — and it was duly noted in his high-school yearbook — as the Senior Most Likely to be Found Dead in a Motel Room.
He thought himself too good to be true and tried to live up to that; and if unwanted touching or groping is a crime, he would now have more strikes against him than Mike Reynolds, the Eastern Kentucky boy who has struck out more times than anybody ever.
Like Reynolds, Tie Rod struck out a lot and scored some, too. His two favorite things are canned tomatoes and the statute of limitations.
If they now charged Tie Rod with all his lifetime crudity, he would probably win all the cases, even the ones he was guilty of. Charges involving sex usually come down to the word of one person against another and that runs up against reasonable doubters on the jury or in the Senate.
That sometimes means that honest victims go home unvindicated because of the law. The law was on trial, too.
Tie Rod wonders what would have happened if the cameras caught a bunch of men screaming at a woman on an elevator demanding to know why women claim the right to always be believed.
He just hates to see his country so torn apart. It reminds him of the time he cornered a rattlesnake and it got so angry it bit itself. He is afraid that is what is country is doing, biting itself — going for affability instead of ability, people casting their ballots for the candidate with the same irrational prejudices, the same lack of understanding of the world order, the same lack of education as themselves.
That makes you a populist. Which is preferable for a democracy: Dying from swallowing its own lies, or self poisoning?
Tie Rod much prefers Australian punters to Australian television moguls.
He has come to realize that modern American government is now just like television — one episode after another in a serial sort of show with a sure hero.
We wallow from week to week or month to month, going from the Stormy Daniels episode to the Manafort episode to the Kavanaugh episode, and he wonders if the public can even now remember the episode in which President Donald Trump separated children from their mothers for months and locked them up in kiddie prisons to save us from Mexican gangs.
Thankfully Mexican gangs have not taken over Eastern Kentucky, except maybe in the kitchens of Chinese restaurants. We don’t need them. We are perfectly capable of starting our own gangs.
But each time our Great Leader, now in love, swoops in and bails us out. Tie Rod calls Trump the Man Who Rode the Mule Around the World.
Reach Larry Webster, a Pikeville attorney, at firstname.lastname@example.org.