Meet the Candidate: Joe Biden
I always wanted to be rich and never was but lived rich anyway and now that I surely will get rich quick (that is the best way to get rich), I am also surely too old to enjoy it.
My invention is called Bubble Boy, but it is not like one of those plastic looking movie bubbles for odd children to roll around in who were taken to the doctor too much by their mommies.
No, my bubble is electronic. It goes on your cell phone and will emit an orb around you, but it will be invisible. It has varying degrees of response, commensurate with your violation, if you are about to violate somebody’s Right of Personal Space.
Now I guess the legislature will have to determine the distances, and of course, it will require a law making cell phones mandatory for everybody over the age of accountability, as we Baptists used say. They may still say it. I don’t know.
But, the point is, if you are about to violate somebody’s Right of Personal Space by over-familiarity, it will first sort of vibrate a little. We can’t make a cell phone vibrate too much.
If you get closer, the waves will reverse and come back at you sort of like a moderate tase. Get too close, like smell somebody’s hair or kiss somebody on the back of the head, and it will render you sterile. No, I was just kidding about that, but it would have to hurt. If it didn’t hurt, men might continue being sexually aggressive, as nature designed, and will as Robert Bly would have put it, continue to convey the life force.
But the Kentucky legislature did its part. With no specific evidence or case studies, the legislature outlawed sex with animals, which may finally destroy the farm culture of Kentucky. I am not sure whether such an act will protect women or put them at more risk. But I’m quite sure sheep were relieved.
I know how I have changed. I still kiss almost all old grey headed women on the head who come into my office, but in response to the times and those damned shifting boundaries, I no longer kiss any woman under about 60 or who appear overly athletic looking.
Old Joe Biden can use my machine to reassure voters that he is cured of over-familiarity and maybe get elected President, assuming that voters want a real old white male with no definable political principles, and further assuming that Trump doesn’t rag him too much about making women feel uncomfortable.
If Biden wins the nomination it will be the first time both candidates for President had fake hair. Biden’s is implanted in little rows and Trump’s was bought and sits on his head with Gorilla glue. He is the first President which people see all day long every day and do not know what he really looks like.
But get this word to Biden. If he will make me ambassador to some country which speaks English and likes us, I will donate a Bubble Boy to him at no cost. He will have to pay for the extended warranty.
Reach Larry Webster, a Pikeville attorney, at firstname.lastname@example.org.