Why UK decided against alcohol sales at athletic events
Just when a person thinks he has all possible Wildcat stuff one must have, piles of shirts, hats, hats that light up, scarfs, and that forty dollar sweatshirt you went down and bought that game when it turned off cold and you had goose bumps big enough for a calf to suck — just when your closets and drawers are full of blue, and lately non-blue with the middle part of Duke on them–then along comes some would-be Dawahare and starts selling bullet-proof UK stuff. Sweats made out of double Kevlar, sufficient to withstand the impact of the Second Amendment, with a cute little growling wildcat right there next to the heart.
These will not be needed in certain sections of what seems now to be named something like the C.M. Newton Field at Kroger Stadium nee Commonwealh Stadium. After the upper reaches where the poor sat and tried to see the field were gentrified, the place is more like Churchill Downs on Derby day, where apartheid among the classes is observed at gunpoint. It may be Kroger-like up in those boxes, but down where we are it is more Save-a-Lot. We know they are drinking alcoholic beverage up in those boxes. Us low-lifes, down where they shoot teeshirts, are merely allowed to come into the stadium drunk. The privileged are allowed to continue to get drunk up in those boxes, up there where behind bulletproof glass.
Maybe they can put a lining between those two sheets of Kevlar and one could fill it up with Woodford and have like a little oxygen tube up the neck. Well maybe not. If somebody could afford that much Woodford, they would be up in those boxes.
Many things have changed for the better at the football field, one of which is this new concept of winning some games. The band is better too. They are not so hot at bluegrass marches, badly needing a mandolin section, but for the last three or four years the band has abandoned that blue note they used to play in “My Old Kentucky Home,” the only state song in the country that declares that there is a time to be gay.
And other things at the stadium are better. There have been no reported fatalities from the tee-shirt bazookas. It just that people don’t want anything like that pointed at them. I got one of those flying shirts once, but had to grab it away from an old woman in the next row, who pays back now by periodically putting nachos in my hoodie. But what if a terrorist got his hands on one of those shooters?
We sort of hope for a mediocre season. If we win 10 games again Stoops will soon end up coaching wherever he always dreamed of coaching. So give us seven, but no bowl game in Nashville. That is no safe place.
Reach Larry Webster, a Pikeville attorney, at email@example.com.