One in 10 Ky. children loses a parent or sibling by age 18. Let’s learn to help them.
As the holidays approach, we prepare to set tables for family, friends, and loved ones. Yet for too many children, there will be empty seats at those tables. One in 10 Kentucky children will lose a parent or sibling by the age of 18, a figure more than double the national average. Central, Southeastern, and Eastern Kentucky, areas especially ravaged by the opioid epidemic, have even greater numbers.
Grieving adults often find this time of year challenging. It is often difficult to talk about lost loved ones — or to find those willing to listen. People are afraid to talk about those who have died, fearing they will make the bereaved sadder or that they will remind them of their loss.
People often assume that children do not grieve or that they quickly get over their loss because they are young and resilient. Numerous studies suggest the opposite is true. Early losses have significant and lifelong impacts on children. Unsupported grieving children are more likely to experience behavioral, health, relationship, and addiction problems as they mature into adulthood.
Children often grieve in different ways than adults, making their pain less easy to spot or understand. While a grieving adult might cry frequently, young children may play and laugh like nothing has happened. While they may be grieving intensely, their brains are simply not yet wired for a sustained outward expression of grief. Instead, they may act out at home or school, have trouble concentrating, or become extremely anxious. Children and teens do not like to be different than their peers. Accordingly, they may initially appear unwilling to talk about their loved one. My daughter, whose father died when she was five years old, once told me she didn’t like to talk about her family at school because she did not want to be known as “the kid with the dead dad.”
Traditional bereavement support services last for a year or two after a loss. But most children will re-grieve their loss at each new developmental stage, since their understanding of death and the self changes as they mature. Our culture often has a difficult time supporting the grieving for more than a few weeks or months—it is hard to see a fellow human’s pain and we hope they will “get over it” quickly. Children, however, will live with and reinterpret the story of their loss for a lifetime. Each milestone or birthday or graduation comes with the reminder that a child’s special person is not here for that event. Those are normal feelings that should be supported, not ignored or wished away.
National Children’s Grief Awareness Day is Nov. 21. It is designed to build understanding and encourage conversations and active support for our many grieving children. Bluegrass Care Navigators are sponsoring two events that day at their Center for Grief and Education at 2409 Greatstone Point in Lexington to allow children to remember and celebrate their lost loved ones. They will hold other memory events in December and throughout the new year.
There are many additional ways to support the grieving child in your world. First, if they are willing, talk to them about the person they have lost. The child may have lost that individual, but they should not also lose memories and stories of that person. If talking is hard, especially with teens, simply be present and listen. Grieving children know what it is to have someone disappear from their lives, so it is doubly important they know others will be there for them.
For younger children, hands-on activities are especially helpful. Plant a tree in honor of the dead, make a memory box and fill it with a child’s favorite items from a loved one, write a note to the lost person, or light a special candle on the holiday table to mark that person’s continuing presence and spirit. Let the child know that their loved one is not forgotten and that they are not alone in their grief.
Leila Salisbury lives in Lexington with her teen-aged daughter. She is working to develop long-term community resources to support grieving children and families.