What should we name our new Middle Eastern war? Where do we even start?
Slemp likes to enter contests and is all excited about the War Name Sweepstakes. You have to play to win. This contest offer a huge cash prize to the entrant who can come up with the coolest name for our new war with probably everybody in the Middle East except Israel. A country has got to have a really good name for its current war, and since you do not know when a war starts how long it will last, or exactly who you will be fighting or what for, it is hard to name a war at the onset. It’s hard to change their names after they are over and some actually have been.
Putting “Conflict” in a war name is passe because it annoys 60,000 families of boys deadened in Vietnam for absolutely no reason other than Kennedy accused Nixon of not being bellicose enough and when he won, had to do something. “Conflict?” Sure was. Slemp doesn’t think the word “Spat” is much better.
Tie Rod is lobbying for Slemp to submit “The Between Iraq and a Hard Place War” but it doesn’t scan. Neither does Sequel to the Crusades. For those too young to remember the Crusades, about 900 or so years ago all us white Christians ganged up and went East to free the Holy Land. We come within a hair, but narrowly missed capturing Jerusalem and getting it away from the Muhammedans, who have stubbornly held on to at least part of it since. Now we, or Trump, has decided that we will just run out the Muhammedans from that old city and give it to their cousins. It is hard to argue with a chain of title that goes back to God.
It could be the Undeclared War, because it is, but the whole idea of declaring war is archaic and war is now started by one person after consulting the bobbleheads around his gold swimming pool. That one guy can just order something quick enough and drastic enough that the potential other side has to treat it like a war attack — like killing their number #2 guy or something. You don’t need Congress then. This is a simpler process than what Bush had to go through — months of lying to the public — to get him a war going.
Slemp finally sent in Chinese Credit Card War, because he couldn’t imagine the current bunch raising money enough to actually win a war without borrowing off China, and China will loan it to us, unless they decide to back the other side in which case, it will turn out to be a good thing to have voted for Hillary Clinton.
It really doesn’t matter. Election year or not, impeachment diversion or not, kow-towing to Israel or not, foolish or not, war crime or not, or even as Slemp’s mountaineers say, “Ignorant with a Capital ‘E’” or not, he is our President and we must stand behind him in this time of crisis. Yeah, right.
Larry Webster is an attorney in Pikeville.