Let’s help our grandchildren become the kind of people we’d like to be.

I recently received an email from a reader who raised an interesting issue.

Her grade-school-age grandkids had made disparaging remarks to her about gay people.

The church the grandkids attend teaches that homosexuality is sinful, the writer said; she suspects that’s where the children learned their views. (It’s worth adding they also could have learned those views pretty much anywhere—on the school playground, online, on TV.)

Their remarks bothered her. She asked them how they thought Jesus might respond to gay people, given that he forgave and loved people of all stripes. She suggested it would be a shame if nice people were condemned for being who they are.

“Anyway, I just wondered how you deal with this issue with young kids,” she wrote.

Well. (Throat clearing here.) Ahem. I assure you all, I’m no expert. I’m still learning.

But first, I couldn’t have handled the situation more tactfully than the writer did.

We grandparents walk a narrow line. We hope to influence our grandchildren for the better—despite our own imperfections—and we love those children as dearly as if we were their actual parent.

Yet we’re not their parent. They have parents, with whom we may or may not agree. I’m blessed to have a son and daughter-in-law with whom I do virtually always agree on child-rearing. They’re better parents than I was.

Still, in even the best cases, we grandparents play a secondary role in the kids’ lives (unless we’re raising them full-time). We must try to instill our values without contradicting their mom or dad’s values.

Second, the issue raised by my correspondent’s email is broader, I think, than just teaching children how to treat gay people.

It’s really about teaching them how to treat their fellow human beings, period. And about teaching them how to respond when their peers treat them badly.

There are generous and gracious children, and there are mockers and bullies. Always have been, always will be. We hope to nudge our grandchildren toward becoming the former rather than the latter.

Here are some things we can try:

▪ We can strive to be models of grace, rather than mere lecturers on the subject. We can avoid judging or criticizing, for instance. We can decline to express bigotry toward any ethnic, racial, religious or sexual groups, even if we were raised with such biases ourselves.

When we mess up, we can admit it, apologize and tell the kids why we were wrong. Kids learn by observation and osmosis.

▪ We can help kids find things to praise about those they see as different. We can help them understand that everybody has value, that nobody is just some label—black or white or brown or disabled or gay or athletic or awkward or privileged or poor. People are individuals.

If the grandkids laugh that the kid next door is fat, we can point out that she happens to be uncommonly smart, too, or a brilliant artist.

If they sneer that a kid in their class came from another country, has a different skin color and doesn’t speak English, we can point out how much of the world that kid must have seen and what adventures he’s experienced. We can express awe and admiration. We can point out that this new child may feel lonesome and need a pal.

▪ We can look for things to praise about our grandkids. Not cheap praise of the every-kid-gets-a-medal type, which leads to egomania and entitlement.

But we can help our grandkids recognize the gifts they genuinely possess.

If a grandkid comes home crying because someone made fun of her at school, we can say, “Honey, you’re a straight-A student. You’re a terrific dancer. You’ve finished a triathlon. You’re way more than what one kid thinks of you.”

Don’t blow smoke. Say things that are demonstrably true, but that he may have lost sight of: “OK, let’s pretend that boy was right and you’re not strong in math. On the other hand, nobody in third grade runs the 50-yard dash as fast as you do.”

When kids feel worthwhile, they’re likelier to treat others well and to bounce back quicker from insults.

Besides, every kid needs somebody who thinks she’s wonderful just as she is. Be that somebody. That’s why God made grandparents.

▪ Though it’s difficult, we can remember that even the mockers and bullies need mercy.

I often quote a TV minister I heard say, “Hurt people hurt people.”

We can remind our grandchildren, and ourselves, that mockers and bullies often are in pain, from insecurity or a broken family or abuse. We can encourage our grandkids to become a friend—or at least be friendly—to the unlovable, if they can do so without putting themselves in danger.

In short, we can try to help our grandchildren become the kind of people we’d like to be, if we were a better person. We can’t control what the rest of the world feeds into their precious heads, but we can control what we feed them.

Contributing columnist Paul Prather can be reached at pratpd@yahoo.com.