It’s ‘Old Testament Times for dummies’ in the mountains. Please keep your social distance.

We need a manual called “Old Testament Times for Dummies,” which would sort of explain to us how to live now that human contact is the most dangerous thing in the world. Those who think every disaster has a reason and that this plague must also have been something inflicted on us, then the question is what have we done now to the Israelites that God is punishing us for? If a new Jesus is born some night now will the wise men bring him gold, silicone and Purell?

The six-foot rule has brought some of us closer to each other. What if you do meters? How many meters is six foot? Did some scientist spend years measuring how far out somebody’s spit or snot travels? If you jump the gun at the check-out line and lurch toward the cash register before the last guy and accidentally get 5 feet 9 inches from him, do you have to turn yourself in? What part of another person’s body do you measure the six foot from? We tend to have some people, let us say, of circumference, in the mountains.

Between the time this is being written and the time it is read or not, the little area I live in may become a hot spot, but there is a decent sized area, easternmost Kentucky, which stands out as clear on those virus maps, with red being about every where else where there is many people. Our good fortune can be explained by the fact that for three generations we have perfected the art of not working, staying at the house.

So far that map has been a relief to us and to keep it that way, those of you whom we have been begging to come tour us, we take it back. Forget the feuds, forget whitewater rafting, forget the leaves in the fall, forget the world’s best music, forget the world’s best people – forget all that and just stay away and leave us alone. You can continue to send us checks. We will wash them off in alcohol before cashing them.

Senator McConnell explained the origin of the corona crisis as being President Trump’s perfect phone call to Ukraine, which hoaxers misinterpreted as a bad thing and got the President so wrapped up in the impeachment deal that he just simply did not have the time to pay any attention to those early warnings he ignored. Next Senator McConnell will explain why his political party did away with the pandemic section of the federal government and gave the money they saved to corporations to buy back their own stock.

Just let it be remembered that under the Trump Administration, preachers were jailed for having church. Police guarded houses to keep people from coming outside. The value of American business declined by about several trillion dollars, but not nearly as many trillion dollars as the national debt went up. And the President of the country spent weeks trying to get the American public to ignore what their doctors advise when the experts told them what to do to be safe and declaring that we have plenty of ventilators. History will show that the only thing that saved us was that nobody believed anything he had to say anyway.

Larry Webster is a Pikeville attorney. Reach him at websterlawrencer@bellsouth.net.