You are the greatest tool we have in preventing sexual and domestic abuse.

We’ve read the headlines, watched the news stories, scrolled through the social media posts. We know the dangers of domestic and sexual violence are worsening amid social distancing measures in response to the coronavirus pandemic. Individuals and families are facing additional stressors and increased isolation in quarantine gives an abuser more power and control over a survivor.

While it’s vitally important these stories be told, that we are aware of the issues and horrors survivors face, it’s also important to provide solutions and not leave survivors or those that care about them feeling helpless. What needs to be stated loud and clear is this: the greatest tool we have in preventing this kind of violence is you.

Yes, you.

In all my years working with survivors the thing I’ve come to understand mostly deeply is that survivors cannot achieve safety on their own. Stopping and preventing domestic violence, sexual violence, and stalking requires a connected community that cares for everyone’s safety.

These are insidious crimes that can affect anyone regardless of social status, gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, race, ability, or ethnicity. While their causes and effects are complex, our prevention efforts don’t have to be.

Social support and connection in a community is a known protective factor against domestic violence, sexual violence, and stalking. Connecting with others builds survivor resiliency, increases self-esteem, and reduces depression and isolation.

While we are already checking in with friends, family, coworkers, students, and neighbors regarding basic needs and how they are doing, ask about their physical and emotional safety, too. Because these crimes thrive in silence and secrecy we can’t assume to know which homes have violence in them and which don’t. Ask everyone. If asking directly doesn’t feel comfortable, ask an unassuming question like

“How is everyone holding up in the house?” or “How is your partner or spouse doing?” Doing so could create space for honest conversations about concerning behaviors.

Survivors don’t have to disclose they are survivors for your efforts to be effective. Connection is the point. It’s the asking that may help a survivor begin to trust and work toward disclosure. If someone does disclose they are afraid or are experiencing violence from a partner or family member, it can be overwhelming if you don’t know how to respond. Here are some tips:

▪ Listen without judgment or blame. Survivors are mostly likely to share concerns with those who listen with empathy. Even if you don’t know how to respond, listening is an act of kindness.

▪ Know that sharing is an act of bravery so validating a survivor’s experience can be powerful. Validation could come from saying: “I believe you.” “I’m sorry this is happening to you.” “This is not your fault.” “I don’t know what to say but I am glad you told me.”

▪ Don’t assume you know what is best for someone. What seems safe to you might not be safe for the survivor. Self-determination regarding how to best navigate their safety and choices is imperative. Trust the survivor knows their situation and support their decisions.

▪ Refer them to local resources that support survivors. They might not be in a position to ask for more help at the time. Letting them know the options when they are ready is a lifeline.

Even during a time when many services are pausing, the primary agencies serving survivors of domestic violence, sexual violence, and stalking are still open and providing services. To find the regional agencies serving your area, visit kcadv.org and kasap.org.

In the Bluegrass Region, GreenHouse17, which services victims of domestic violence and stalking, can be reached 24/7 at 1-800-544-2022. Ampersand Sexual Violence Resource Center is operating their support line 24/7 and can be reached at 1-800-656-4673.

As Governor Beshear says, “We will get through this. We will get through this together.” The truth is, the only way we will get through this is together. Our community will come through the other side of this stronger, more connected and supportive than before.

Stephanie Theakston is Lexington Domestic and Sexual Violence Prevention Coalition Coordinator.