Kentucky children are grieving. Here’s how we can help them.

The pandemic of 2020 has taught all of us more about grief and loss than we ever wanted to know. There have been lost jobs, lost routines, lost travel and activities, and for many the loss of a general sense of normalcy. There has also been the loss of parents, grandparents, friends, and other loved ones to COVID-19 deaths. We are a nation both united and isolated by grief as never before.

Kentucky children are already hard hit. One in 10 children will lose a parent/caregiver or sibling before the age of 18 (the number is closer to 1 in 9 in Kentucky’s eastern counties). Many mistakenly believe that children do not grieve or feel loss, but this is simply not true. If a child is old enough to love, they are old enough to grieve. And without support, this huge population of bereaved children is at a greater risk of physical and mental health problems as well as trouble in school. These challenges can persist for decades, following children far into adulthood.

National Children’s Grief Awareness Day on November 19 will offer children and adults an important opportunity to connect with other grieving families¸ which is especially important during this time of isolation. A national Facebook live online event (https://m.facebook.com/ChildGriefDay) will feature activities, webinars, and stories of hope.

We often avoid talking about a person who has died because we fear we will make the surviving family sadder. We want to believe that if we don’t mention the death, a bereaved child will quickly get over their loss. Instead of helping, these approaches lead to increased isolation and sadness.

Grief is not a pathology; it is a sign of love. Children and teens need the opportunity to have open and honest conversations around dying, death, and grief—events and emotions that are all a natural part of life. And when it comes to often stigmatized deaths, such as overdose or suicide, children and teens need to know, in age-appropriate language, the truth of the death in order to process and fully deal with the loss.

The good news is that there are more resources than ever to help grieving children. In the face of COVID-19 deaths—but also increased deaths from unmanaged health problems, suicide, and addiction during the pandemic—we can no longer avoid talking about death and loss. Learning how to grieve openly as a family can draw people closer together and instill children with valuable coping skills.

Parents and caregivers often struggle to find the right words to use with children and teens when talking about death and dying. There are several new free, online resources designed to help guide these conversations: The National Alliance for Grieving children has four downloadable publications (https://childrengrieve.org/2-uncategorised/grieftalk-resource-guides). The New York Life Foundation has just launched a series of online children’s books about learning to live with loss (www.newyorklife.com/foundation/kais-journey). The Eluna Foundation offers comprehensive and thoughtful guides on how to talk to children and teens about overdose and suicide deaths (www.elunanetwork.org/resources).

Kentucky now ranks #4 in the nation in childhood bereavement, yet we are one of the only states with no comprehensive center to support grieving children. A group of dedicated individuals is working to change that. When it is safe to again gather, the newly forming Kentucky Center for Grieving Children and Families looks forward to bringing much-needed peer groups and support to our many grieving families.

Leila Salisbury is the founding director of The Kentucky Center for Grieving Children and Families, Inc. She can be contacted at kychildrengrieve@gmail.com.