As the school year starts, let’s take a deep breath of perspective for our kids’ sake
Recently at a school drop off, I heard one parent refer to another parent as a “Tiger Mom”. As my eyes turned to the “Tiger Mom,” it was quickly apparent that this mom wore the title as a badge of honor and considered it as a compliment. As I drove to work, I thought about the whole experience and asked myself, what is the parent really protecting their kid from? After some deep thinking and some time, the answer struck me, and I chuckled: nothing! The lesson is that there is a growing group of parents who believe their children’s success is a referendum on them. The mounting pressure is enough to transform even the most rational person into what I call a Kamikaze parent or even a Tiger mom.
As you already know, the impossible art of being a parent is finding the balance between loving and supporting our children, while also giving them space to grow and find their way in the world. When we don’t give them this space, we are robbing them of the opportunity to gain valuable experience and skill in areas like managing failure, conflict resolution, building relationships and managing expectations. Skills that are at the center of being a happy and healthy adult.
Unfortunately for many of us, it is hard not to feel that your child’s strengths and weakness are an ongoing reflection on you. It’s intense and it’s easy to feel vulnerable and overwhelmed. When we feel this way, we need some perspective. The truth is that childhood through adolescence is a time of great disparity. Among our children are some genetic lottery winners and a wide variety of kids on a big spectrum. For example, those who are early growers and early specializers are likely to dominate sports; likewise, those who are more mature children or teenagers are likely do better at school. Unfortunately, growth or maturity is out of our control. It is this lack of control which can be a major source of frustration and tension, for both you and your child. It is this lack of control which I have seen transform even the most reasonable well-meaning parent into a Kamikaze warrior.
It is helpful for me to remember that our kids´ superpower is that they are resilient, optimistic and have short memories. When we are over-involved as parents, we are setting a dangerous precedent that we don’t trust them or that they must rely on us to solve their problems. The danger could become that you continue to dive bomb into your child’s life protecting them right into your basement at age 40, where they comfortably live with laundry service and home cooked meals! This is obviously not what we want for our children, but I think this example highlights the importance of nuance at stake; protect them too much and they become weak, leave them to fend for themselves and they become paralyzed with fear that they may not make it or get hurt.
The constant competition and judgment of parenting are at the root of our collective madness. Unfortunately, it is self-inflicted. It comes as a result of our egos and narrow minds. Let’s be honest; if our kids don’t go to Harvard, are they a failure? Do they have to be the starting quarterback at Alabama to live a happy life? Is anyone who doesn’t win a Noble Prize a loser?
As this school year starts, let´s all take a deep breath and remind ourselves of the destination: a healthy, happy life for our kids. To get there, they need love and support. But they also need to learn autonomy. This cannot happen when we quickly kamikaze in their lives to solve all their problems. So, let’s try and fight the urge to be over involved and instead find different ways to help them become the best versions of themselves without us needing to dive in to fix everything, all the time.
Brendan Ryan, a local entrepreneur has 20 years of experience in education, college athletics and holds a MS in Education from the University of Louisville.
This story was originally published September 3, 2021 at 9:51 AM.