Let’s work on conflict resolution that goes deeper than right and wrong

The setting is recess at a local middle school play ground. A teacher looks over and sees two boys are engaged in a stare down. The teachers can faintly make out the one boy saying to the other; “what are you going to do about it?” As the other boy steps forward, he is met with a wicked left hook and wrestling ensues. The school administration confirms eye witness testimony, character references and speaks to both boys. At the meeting the principal informs everyone that the instigator should be blamed for starting the fight and hitting the other kid. He is suspended. Conflict resolved.

Please ask yourself: would you look at the instigator in the story the same if he knew he was bullied? Or had an abusive parent? Or even if his dog just died? Where these questions considered?

In far too many conflicts, we reach a conclusion were we single out one person for blame and punishment; the student who fights needs to be suspended from school; the athlete who has a DUI needs to lose their scholarship and be kicked out of the university; the homeless man needs to be arrested for trespassing and loitering.

Hundred of times each day, our society is forced to make judgments about conflict. The problem is that we often start with the confirmation bias that doing something bad makes you a bad person. I think this is extraordinarily naive. It is more likely that many of these conflicts are a part of a cycle of bad behavior and individuals like the boy in the story feel trapped, acted out and are unlucky enough to be caught.

All of us, me included have become prone to the conformation bias of conflict. Too many of us are guilty during confrontation to feel victimized, run for the moral high ground, and feel empowered to rub in when/ if we are right. Case in point, recently, I was driving toward a light; as it turned yellow. I braked and stopped. The car behind me re-ended me. I got out and yelled at the lady driving, emphasizing how wrong she was. At the time, I was a rage monster but looking back at it later, I felt very guilty. If I had a time machine, I would go back and start with — “oh no! Are you ok? Anything I can do?” I would then politely exchange insurance, and wish her well, knowing that the matter would be settled with a slight inconvenience but feeling that was little worry considering everyone was OK.

Instead of rushing to judgment, like I did, maybe in some cases we need a different mantra of conflict resolution which rightful acknowledges that life is hard, we all cheat a little and we all suffer from stress and have bad days. When people make mistakes and get caught let’s start with a conversation based in compassion and grace. Let’s try and understand the person and WHY they acted this way.

The first step in overcoming bias is acknowledging that it exists. Recently, I had a follow up conversation about my car being rear ended. I opened the conversation by taking a moment to apologize to the other party and make sure they were ok. Was that enough? Probably not. But I am going to work on it. I hope you also consider this story, and if we ever have the opportunity to disagree on something we do it civilly. Who knows, we may even get to a point where we can learn something from conflict deeper than one of us was right.

Brendan Ryan, a local entrepreneur, has 20 years of experience in education, college athletics and holds a MS in Education from the University of Louisville.