Too many Kentucky children are suffering from grief. Here’s how we can help. | Opinion

In October of this year, a high school senior from Lexington testified in Frankfort before the Kentucky Interim Joint Committee on Families and Children about her experiences as a bereaved child. She described being bullied at school for having lost her father by suicide and being told that her dad was in hell because of how he died. She described the debilitating anxiety that came on after a second significant death loss, the migraines and stomachaches that had her in the middle school’s nurse’s office multiple times a week. Instead of being offered help with makeup work, she was told to “get over it.”

I know these stories only scratch the surface of what this young woman has experienced — because she is my daughter. As close as we are and as much as we talk about these issues, it took years for her to share many of these stories with me. When I asked her why she hadn’t told me earlier, she looked at me and said, “Mom, this is just how grieving kids are treated.”

She also shared stories from other teenagers from across Kentucky she works with through a teen-led, online grief support group. She’s heard of problems teens have in school when they can’t concentrate because they are afraid of someone else dying; additional responsibilities they often take on at home to help support surviving caregivers who are also grieving; and the judgment they often get for how their person died. One young woman, whose brother had died of an overdose, was told that he was better off dead than being addicted.

This is how grieving kids are treated. But we can do far better by them, and it’s time to start.

The most recent data models show that 1 in 9 children in Kentucky lose a parent or sibling before the age of 18. By the age of 25, more than 250,000 children and young adults will have experienced a significant death. Nov. 16 is National Children’s Grief Awareness Day. As we approach this season of family, know that some families now look different after a loss.

Studies have now shown that unsupported grief leads to increased substance use, juvenile justice involvement, mental health issues, and even early death. The feelings of grief can be hard and heavy and persistent. Without supportive adults, peers, or professionals who can normalize the feelings and experiences for these children and teens, they feel highly isolated. Isolation and anger make for an unhealthy combination, and self-medication and/or violence often follow.

Thankfully, more partners are coming to the table. The Kentucky Opioid Abatement Advisory Commission, the Kentucky Association of Health Plans, and the New York Life Foundation have recently funded expansion of school-based grief support services for school districts in Fayette, Scott, and Madison Counties. Legislators have had the opportunity to hear more about the issue and how we can begin building statewide resources.

Funding and new partnerships will keep this necessary work growing. There are things anyone can do to make those who are grieving feel supported and accepted. Instead of saying, “You must be so sad/angry/etc.,” instead say, “I don’t know what you’re going through, but I’m here to listen if you’d like to share what’s on your mind right now.” Instead of “You need to be strong” (this is something kids—particularly boys—hear a lot), say, “You might feel like you need to be strong, but you don’t have to be that way with me.”

From the state house to the classroom to the living room, we can all become a supporter and advocate for these children and teens. You can be the one who gives them the care and attention they need in order to grow into healthy, resilient individuals.

Leila Salisbury is the founder and executive director of the Kentucky Center for Grieving Children and Families. Learn more about the organization’s work and free programs at www.kcgcf.org.