A few dozen people got an e-mail from me last Monday, sadly announcing that I was in the Philippines and had gotten robbed and asking them to send me $2,650 in the next four hours to pay my hotel bill.
Those poor hackers didn't realize that the only friends I have who would send that money do not have it, so no one sent them any.
The best defense to identity theft is to have your credit cards maxed out already.
More troublesome than mere hacking is this new idea that unless you have affirmative consent from a girl, clearly and convincingly announced in front of a notary, you will be deemed a rapist if you go ahead and do what nature put in your ... head to do.
This is called "Yes means Yes," and is designed to prevent group rape in fraternity houses. That is the No. 2 topic of conversation in fraternity houses nowadays, No. 1 being "wonder what kinds of pills Bill Cosby uses on those women and wonder where he gets them."
All this came about when somebody decided that colleges are better situated to investigate crime than the police. That was apparently designed to protect young black men from being shot on campus and to keep young white men from being run over on campus by tanks, humvees and other military equipment the federal government is providing cops.
Rape and other kinds of sexual assault have always been difficult for the police to prove, because such things are usually private enough that there are few witnesses.
Colleges, where intellectual inquiry always leads to certainty, at least at Asbury, are now punished with withdrawal of federal money unless they make fraternity boys keep their pants on. In my college days, there were rumors that saltpetre, whatever that is, was inserted in the food and that explained why so many of us remained virginal well beyond our target years. That was before the sexual revolution.
Look forward now to pre-printed forms being sold in college bookstores, by which co-eds who agree to have sex can agree in writing way ahead of time by checking the appropriate column that they are (a) very (b) sort of, or (c) ready to be talked into, having sex with (a) anybody, (b) somebody tall enough with good teeth and rich parents, (c) the person(s) listed below, but only one at a time.
There would be a space for a notary certificate. These forms would be posted on campus bulletin boards, in college bars and right next to the beer keg at fraternity parties. Girls who have pre-consented can wear a little icon on their lapels.
It is all our duty to promote the positive evolution of humans. If we are going to remain atop the food chain and keep on claiming our superiority as a species, we must be very careful about putting restrictions on the sexual impulses of young males, and even young females.
If they invent a machine to move furniture, perfect artificial insemination and lock up young males for going too far, men will be obsolete in less time than it took us to shed our gills.
Reach Larry Webster, a Pikeville attorney, at firstname.lastname@example.org.