Seal borders or Kentuckians might flee to Europe

Religious extremists have attacked another seat of government. This time it is in Breathitt County, where the predominant religion has put up artistic renderings of its founder on the courthouse wall.

The predominant religion in Breathitt County is different from Islam in that you can be beheaded for putting up a rendering of the founder of one and be beheaded for not putting up pictures of the founder of the other. Thank the correct God that the religion of Breathitt County is superior to those heathens on the other side.

But, to be Fox-fair and balanced, there is also a picture of Mr. Magoo, an old man almost blind, and Pinocchio, a lying puppet, on the walls of the courthouse. That was a stroke of genius.

Anybody who would be offended by a picture of Mr. Magoo couldn’t see it anyway. And rural courthouses are so full of lying puppets that nobody would notice Pinocchio if his nose tripped them going down the halls.

But local politicians learned from the recent election that it is much more prudent to violate their oaths of office and ignore the Constitution than to rile a Baptist. They also learned that if you are running for statewide office and are married to someone of another race, to hide him until after the election.

In order to solve the ISIS crisis in Kentucky, our new governor announced that a key component of his foreign policy will be to ban Muslim immigrants, which will require us to build at least two more medical schools in the commonwealth, which we could put in abandoned mosques, if we do not make them into casinos.

Most all the states around us will also ban Syrian refugees, victims of Bush No. II, from coming in our borders. As of now, only West Virginia has not taken a stand, so to keep non-Christians from sneaking over our porous border, Gov. Matt Bevin will build a fence between us and West Virginia and make them pay for it.

The cheaper option being studied is to alligator the Tug River, if we can figure out a way to keep marine life alive in coal-country rivers.

ISIS may gain a foothold in Kentucky but there is almost no likelihood that any young man from the mountains would tolerate his old Toyota truck being used as a truck bomb. None of them has ever blown up, so far.

If the new governor succeeds in cutting off health care to hundreds of thousands of poor Kentuckians, we may need to seal off our borders to keep our people from leaving on rickety boats to Europe. Already, great masses of our citizens board rickety boats and take their lives in their hands on the ocean, but those are called cruise ships.

Jeb Bush called me the other day to see what he could do to kick-start his campaign and I advised him to make up a big poster to hang in front of his podium during debates which says in bold letters: “If elected, I swear on a stack of Bibles I will never even speak to Dick Cheney.”

Larry Webster is a Pikeville attorney. Reach him at websterlawrencer