Infected Frankfort passing small-headed laws

Larry Webster
Larry Webster

“Skeeters am a’ hummin’ on the Franklin County line.”

I believe mosquitos have gotten into the state Capitol, or at least are infesting the watering holes of the members of the General Assembly, because the legislature is being microcephalic — or for those of you not scared to death by news reports, small-headed.

Well, its not just Frankfort either. Some small heads gave the Sportsperson of the Year award to a horse, who is no more a person, even less a person, than Mr. Ed.

We have a football coach in our county who has won 400 games and got beat out by a horse. I suppose this means that Coach Cal, Karl Anthony and our Phillip Haywood will be eligible for Horse of the Year.

Small-headed legislation is stuff that makes little sense, but nobody can vote against, laws that people use to bring credit to themselves instead of raising the gasoline tax.

Every time the legislature meets, we try to honor the memory of some unfortunate victim by passing some small-headed law in its honor. We are requiring those wasp-looking bicycle helmets on all riders. If they were really concerned about bicycle safety, we would outlaw those newfangled bikes on which your head sticks out in front and becomes the bumper and your tail is hiked in the air, and just go back to bikes you actually sat on.

That way, if you leave in a Huffy, your head would be in the air.

Dynasty member Andy Beshear got the House to pass a Kafkaesque law which allows juries to convict somebody of child molestation without the defendant being told where and when it was supposed to happen, a prosecutor’s dream.

Because people who get convicted of such go to prison forever, it is all the more important that we protect their right to know where and when their crime is alleged to have happened.

I had a young woman come up to me a few years ago and thank me for being a good enough lawyer to get her dad off on charges her mother had made up on him and forced her to swear to. Easy fruit for a future candidate for governor to pick, if he is not overly concerned about the Constitution.

Thank heaven that doctors are easy to get on the phone and that we all have video-conferencing available. To get an abortion now you have to ride around eight hours with a station wagon full of nuns and give some medical person a chance to talk you out of it live or on video, even if you are pregnant and have the Zika virus. Microcephalic legislation.

No legislator can stand up to the Temperance women, and every time the General Assembly meets these women have come up with ever-stricter DUI laws. The current bill thundering its way toward the governor’s desk discriminates against people who have been out of college less than 10 years.

Another proposed law would require CPR training for all high-school students, which I would favor if they have time after we teach them to plant potatoes, save seeds and know what is in the woods that can be eaten. That will save more lives in the long run.

But in the meantime, we need a massive spray of political DDT.

Reach Larry Webster, a Pikeville attorney, at websterlawrence@bellsouth.net.