Marzian’s bill sure path to bootlegged Viagra

Tie Rod and Slemp are hurrying to Frankfort to join 52 percent of all men over 50 years of age in a rally against Rep. Mary Lou Marzian’s silly new Viagra regulations. The rally will be called “Save the Mountings.”

The new law would require a man to see two doctors before getting a prescription for erectile dysfunction, a new term for something we used to call something else, to swear on a Bible that he will only employ his chemical erection at the house, and to get a note from his wife consenting to whatever comes up.

The trouble is, no man in Eastern Kentucky knows two doctors who are not in jail already for trying to ease back pain.

Swearing on a Bible went out of style 50 years ago when men stopped going down to the magistrate’s house and swearing off booze, poker or other women. I guess the Bible would have to be open to Leviticus, or somewhere else in the Old Testament. Muslims and atheists would simply have to forgo sex, which would be a good thing in the long run.

But the worst part is trying to get your wife to sign a paper.

Tie Rod thought he would print up a note pad with several consent forms and date them later, but the Big ‘E’ would not even sign the first one. The fact is, when he went and got his first Viagra prescription, she went and bought Mace. Foreplay in that family is three days of begging.

This silly law makes no distinction between men who want to take a full dose of Viagra to be young again and cruise the trailer park and others who only want to take a half-dose to keep from peeing on their shoes.

Slemp says Marzian’s bill is unconstitutional, but he doesn’t know who will say so now that Mr. Justice Scalia has died during a billionaire quail hunt in Texas. Slemp wonders who will now tell Justice Clarence Thomas what to think.

Of course, all this Viagra foolishness is a response to the General Assembly passing yet another unconstitutional set of abortion restrictions.

Slemp says that if the legislature quit passing laws everybody knew would be stricken down and then defending them to the tune of several million dollars until they are finally found to be against the Constitution, then we would have enough money to pay state workers their pensions or — in the case of state workers who have retired twice or more — both their pensions.

He doubts this will happen, now that Democrats are an extinct species.

Slemp says that blindness, mental retardation, hand warts and all other byproducts of self-abuse will be on the rise if Viagra becomes impossible to get. So he thinks the new cottage industry in the mountains will be the bootlegging of Viagra, unless the University of Kentucky claims the sole right to use the color blue.

Go big blue.

This story was originally published February 20, 2016 at 11:22 AM with the headline "Marzian’s bill sure path to bootlegged Viagra."