A duel to endeth Kentucky rivalry?

The new episodes of Game of Thrones are very compelling as theater, particularly now that the Wildling from the North has come South and claimed the throne. Each day we hear of the latest skirmish between the House of Bevin and the House of Beshear.

The House of Bevin is claiming that the House of Beshear squeezed underlings and made them pay tribute to the heir apparent. That is preposterous. The mere suggestion that a ruler would put the squeeze on his servants to aid his son would be so contrary to Kentucky history as to be laughable.

The House of Beshear now retaliates by saying that the House of Bevin looked at scrolls of those who paid such tribute to know whom to banish from the government. Once again, nobody would believe such nonsense.

I think the best thing to solve this mess would be a duel. Somebody would be a winner and could not run for re-election, in that the Magna Carta of Kentucky permits extortion of political money but forbids dueling.

This all started when a former gentleman, with the Medieval-sounding name of Longmeyer, the No. 2 prosecutor in the land, got caught taking gold and silver from those who wanted to do business with the kingdom. He is now singing like one of Varis’ little birds and time will tell whether he will chirp out misdeeds that go higher up than he.

Truth be told, something rare enough in politics, there were very few higher up than he.

Tim Longmeyer needn’t fear over-prosecution. He is now being pursued by some very friendly dogs, one of whose wife is an associate of his and the other of whom was his boss a couple months ago. Arf, Arf!

Meanwhile the House of Bevin is banishing education, encouraging home remedies instead of doctors for the sick, taking food away from school children to incentivize them to study more, and giving $15 million in sales tax relief to those who promote the One True God by boat building.

Those who used to be boys and are now girls and don’t know where to use their new apparatus anxiously await the bathroom policy of the House of Bevin. Will our kingdom follow the other southern kingdoms which have passed laws requiring people who no longer have penises to use urinals anyway?

What we need is a rich dwarf or a dragon woman, that is to say, either Sir Donald or Lady Clinton. We certainly do not need a Socialist Jew, but we certainly do want to keep all the socialist programs we love, like Social Security, Medicaid, food stamps and Medicare.

There will be a candidate on the ballot Tuesday whose first name, if I remember right, is Sellus but whose last name we never learned because he lacked treasure enough to run a kingdom. He talked with unusual common sense about Democrats running as Democrats and living after coal is gone and all those true things that nobody else will say. I just wish I could remember his last name.

This story was originally published May 13, 2016 at 8:00 PM with the headline "A duel to endeth Kentucky rivalry?."