Who will cook Mexican food if Trump wins?

Larry Webster
Larry Webster

Tie Rod has mixed feelings about Hillary Clinton. For one thing he hates her and for another thing, he wants her to get elected president. He would rather be in the Floyd County jail than to have to hear her voice on television every night for four years.

Tie Rod says that Hillary is two-toned. One voice is sort of normal and not so bad, but the one she uses on the stump or in a debate is the exact tone of voice that his wife employs while she is throwing his clothes out the front door into the yard. A sort of combination of stepmother, hall monitor, and Judge Judy, and he would rather hear fingernails on a blackboard.

A year ago Tie Rod would have jumped off a bridge sooner than he would have supported a socialist, but my, how times change.

He claims to hate socialism, but one day he took an inventory of everything he likes about government and came up with Social Security, Medicare, food stamps, unemployment insurance and free cheese.

Now he claims to be a Bernie Sanders Bolshevik and hates even worse than he did in the past the Kentucky Democrats who run as Republicans and wonder why they cannot win.

He fears that any Republican, even a fake one like Donald Trump, would threaten all those programs he likes, not to mention Obamacare which is the only way most of Tie Rod’s friends and acquaintances can go to the doctor.

Plus, he is mad at Republicans for claiming to be a friend of coal miners while blocking any program that might help them, such as Obama’s billion in Abandoned Mine Lands Funds, or the bailout of UMWA health benefits. It was, after all, the GOP who used to chant “Drill, Baby, Drill,” a mood which led to abundant natural gas and no market for coal.

Plus, Tie Rod likes Mexican food and is afraid that there will be a shortage of that green stuff and those pureed soup beans if Trump force-marches 11 million Mexicans back home and puts up that wall. He has visions of lines of sombreros trudging South, along with that Indiana-Mexican judge, who is presiding over one of Trump’s 3,500 lawsuits.

Slemp, on the other hand, is a Hoover Republican and firmly believes that every laid-off coal miner will go back to work on the morning shift Jan. 21, 2017, and that all Americans will soon be in the top one percent.

Slemp was, briefly, a capitalist himself. Years ago, under Bill Clinton, he started a tech firm call Tix-Fix, by which you could get traffic tickets fixed by your local sheriff or county attorney and do it electronically without going to town by wiring money to an offshore account.

He sold this venture for $70 million and invested it in junk bonds and stock which crashed under the latter days of W, something which he naturally blames on Barack Obama.

But Slemp doesn’t mind being poor again. He started out on the bottom and kind of liked it there.

Reach Larry Webster, a Pikeville attorney, at websterlawrencer@