A good ol’ boy tries to navigate gender fluidity

Slemp was hungry and wandered into a place that said “TGIF,” only to discover that he had gone to a Transgender Information Forum, a sort of seminar in which people who want to be in the opposite sex get training on how to go about it.

Now that people are free to choose their gender, Slemp had a lot to think about, and asked a lot of questions about the process.

He figured that a girl who used to be a boy is called a GWUTBAB, and a boy who used to be a girl is called a BWUTBAG. He also wanted to find out what the ‘Q’ means in LGBTQ. Some say “questioning” others say “queer. One would think “queer” would have been covered in one of the earlier categories.

He asked the person putting on the seminar this question: If a boy becomes a girl, does she have to find another boy who has become a girl to go pee with? There is not that many transgenders around and girls have to pee in teams. If he becomes a girl, can he continue to disrespect the toilet seat?

Or can a gender-switcher just go to the closest restroom?

So Slemp decided to write down the three main advantages to being a girl and the three advantages to being a boy.

As Slemp sees it, the main advantage to being a girl or woman is the body parts.

Secondly, he notices that in those mass killings in theaters and night clubs, they never find a girl on top of a boy trying to save him from the shooter. It’s the other way around.

The third reason he might want to become a woman is that some of them are pretty nice people.

The three reasons he might want to stay male are not as clear to Slemp. He thought and thought and came up with these. For one thing, men are not expected to know much, and what they think they know is subject to review by a woman.

Secondly, men don’t have hot flashes. After age 50, when men are basically harmless, some want to flash hot every now and then, and now can do that with medical science, as we all have learned with ever-more sickening commercials.

When Slemp was a boy, if you told an old man that someday you could get a 32-ounce Coke and have sex until you die, he would have said you were crazy.

Slemp thinks the reason Donald Trump wears all that makeup is to hide his Viagra-red face. In fact having to smear one’s face is one of the prime reasons not to be a woman.

But the best reason for being a man is the possibility of being a grandfather, a person’s only chance at perfection in this life.

So Slemp left the seminar and the roomful of confused men who want to live abroad.

This story was originally published September 2, 2016 at 8:08 PM with the headline "A good ol’ boy tries to navigate gender fluidity."