Give Trump Texas, let tuba section run U of L

Word is that Wiki-Leaks has uncovered a secret plan by Sen. Mitch McConnell to offer Donald Trump the state of Texas in exchange for withdrawing from the presidential election. Texas is all for this plan, as it would like to secede from the union anyway.

Trump is said to be very interested in this proposition which would assure him of complete power with all the gratification of dictatorial control and the abject admiration of millions of ignorant people. He would not have to deal with Congress or the pesky Supreme Court.

Not only that, but Trump could build a ladder-proof wall all around that vast state and keep out not only dirty Mexicans who he says rape and whose descendants become judges, but also people from Arkansas.

Instead of a red baseball hat, the Donald could don a grand, broad-rimmed Stetson and spurs, which he could use to prod his Strumpet harem.

The big objection to this plan comes from Ted Cruz, the only presidential candidate in the Republican primary less likeable than Trump, but whose gamble at the convention may turn him into a prophet.

All he would need to win the nomination the next time would be a nose job and to trim off those pointy ears. So, naturally, he wants Texas to remain in the union. He likes walking his pet rat there.

Back in Kentucky, things go on as usual.

In a Bowling Green church, the Lord led a man to a reversal of the Abraham/Isaac situation. In that church, the preacher was so good that the son tried to sacrifice the father by stabbing him in the church. But, sadly, the Lord was preoccupied with getting the evangelical vote out for Trump and forgot to stop the sacrifice at the last minute.

In other Kentucky sacrifices, our new governor sacrificed half a million dollars of our money to do opposition research on his next opponent’s father, St. Steven. This research will be done by a law firm from Indiana, there being no large law firms in Kentucky not up to their ears in Kentucky politics.

The University of Louisville is being run on an emergency basis by the tuba section of the Cardinal marching band. There are two boards, one white and full of Democrats which was abolished by the governor, and a new one full of multicolored industrialists whose investments were presumably managed in the past by a certain financial counselor, but headed by a man with the mountain-sounding first name of Junior.

It’s so mixed up that a university president hardly knows who to resign to.

Politics in Eastern Kentucky have further been up-ended. The convictions of those Magoffin County officials will drive the cost of votes through the roof and make votes so expensive that not even a doctor can afford to buy them.

We don’t even have coal companies to buy elections any more. Of course, that will change instantly the morning after Trump is sworn in.

There were 20,000 mining jobs lost in this country between 1994 and 2000, and that was even before the “war on coal.”

This story was originally published August 20, 2016 at 5:50 PM with the headline "Give Trump Texas, let tuba section run U of L."