Once we acknowledge a wrong, it’s as important to forgive ourselves as to forgive others

Last month, I wrote about the difficulties of forgiving those who’ve wronged us.

That columns prompted an email from David Royse, a professor of social policy and critical thinking in the University of Kentucky’s College of Social Work, who I’ve mentioned before when I wrote a piece about near-death experiences.

In this email, Royse suggested I explore the difficulty many people find in forgiving themselves. He volunteered to send me academic studies on self-forgiveness, which he later did. Much thanks, Professor Royse.

As a pastor, it’s been my experience that some find it harder to forgive their own sins than to forgive others who’ve harmed them. Their sense of ongoing guilt and self-loathing cripples them.

Here, then, are some observations about learning to forgive ourselves. They’re drawn from my observations as minister, my experiences with personal regrets, and from the literature Royse provided.

▪ One philosopher, Per-Erik Milam, has written there are four elements to self-forgiveness. The first is admitting we were wrong. The second is accepting responsibility. The third is feeling guilt or regret. The fourth is shifting how we view ourselves in regard to our bad action.

▪ Forgiving ourselves requires a delicate balance. We shouldn’t judge ourselves too harshly, but we can’t let ourselves off too lightly either. We must discipline ourselves to think clearly, almost dispassionately, about our offenses. We can’t make excuses, avoid the problem, engage in lame rationalizations or drink to forget. We must look straight at our sin and sit there with it.

▪ It’s important to consider early on whether the guilt we feel is appropriate. For example, sometimes people who were abused as children internalize that abuse and blame themselves as if it was their fault. That’s inappropriate guilt—guilt we don’t need to bear. We ought to sort out the things we truly need to do penance for from the things that were beyond our power.

▪ It’s easier to forgive ourselves if we understand that God, the only true judge, forgives us. My religion says that “if we confess our sins, God is faithful to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” So we tell the Lord what we’ve done wrong (as if he didn’t already know!). Then we accept his forgiveness. I happen to believe self-forgiveness is mainly between us and God, not just a mental exercise.

▪ It’s easier to forgive ourselves if those we’ve wronged forgive us, too. That’s one reason it’s often—not always—beneficial to apologize to those we’ve hurt; among other things, it gives them the opportunity to express mercy. (Occasionally, as when we did someone a secret wrong of which they remain unaware, it can be better to keep our guilt to ourselves rather than cause that person unnecessary pain.) But whether or not a victim offers us absolution is their choice; we can still forgive ourselves.

▪ When we forgive ourselves, it’s also easier to forgive others. Until we can love ourselves, we tend to remain harsh in our judgments toward everyone else.

▪ If possible, we should make restitution to those we’ve wronged. If we stole money, we pay it back. If we neglected our children, we must now become nurturing parents, even if the kids are adults and resent us for our past absences.

▪ We can show ourselves the mercy we’d give a good friend if he or she had committed the same misdeed we’ve committed. Sometimes we’re more generous to our friends than to ourselves. You cut others some slack; cut yourself some, too.

▪ We can remind ourselves that we may have done the best we could at the time with what we knew then and given our former circumstances. We all learn as we go in life. We may make have done wrong out of ignorance, or due to incredible stress.

▪ We can recognize that moral failure is part of being a human being. “We have all sinned and come short of the glory of God,” the Bible says—and it’s right.

This isn’t an excuse, it’s a fact. Did you do wrong? Well, welcome to the human race.

▪ We can acknowledge that the past is just that: past. It’s gone. It can’t be changed. We can’t continue to live there. We have to accept it and move forward. We own the bad we’ve done, but we also value the good lessons we take away from the bad; we’ve learned what not to do. We now choose to change for the better.

To summarize, self-forgiveness is a process. Like the act of forgiving others, it can take years. We might always feel some guilt or self-resentment. But the process can and should at least make the burden we’re carrying bearable.

With God’s help we can live with our past. We can trust the Lord to love us and help us change both our former patterns of behavior and our self-loathing.

Paul Prather is pastor of Bethesda Church near Mount Sterling. You can email him at pratpd@yahoo.com.

This story was originally published October 8, 2020 at 11:58 AM with the headline "Once we acknowledge a wrong, it’s as important to forgive ourselves as to forgive others."