An unexpected COVID-19 outcome: Kentucky is now officially a Midwestern state.
Of all the things the coronavirus has changed, I never expected this:
COVID-19 has decided the most longstanding, tortured, passionate question that has ever plagued us: Kentucky is now a Midwestern state.
Yes, all those drunken, late night debates, and endless Twitter arguments about whether Kentucky is really Southern can finally end now that we have officially joined the economic re-opening consortium of Indiana, Ohio, Wisconsin, Illinois, Minnesota and Michigan.
We are leaving Tennessee and the rest of the South, with their lost causes and lax social distancing behind, to join those captains of industry that get things done to our north. We can be the slightly exotic state in the group, holding onto the the praiseworthy Southern-adjacent things like barbecue, bourbon, storytelling and good manners while jettisoning the racism, xenophobia and COVID-19 death rates we see down below.
I’ve never really understood why people in Kentucky today -- a state that was both Union and Confederate during the Civil War -- feel so strongly about sticking with the region that embraced our country’s original sin, the South’s “peculiar institution” of slavery. That’s, um, not something we want to cling to anymore, right? Why can’t we embrace the multitudes contained in a border state? Appalachia, the North, the South, the Midwest. We’ve got it all, baby.
I know, I know, you’re going to point to the Southeastern Conference to which the University of Kentucky sports teams belong. But come on, the University of Louisville belongs to the Atlantic Coast Conference, despite being near neither the Atlantic Ocean nor its coast. Discuss.
If you want to get technical, let me point you to the excellent book by my former colleague, Maryjean Wall, “How Kentucky Became Southern,” which details some master branding to revive the horse industry after the Civil War by creating a Southern narrative of moonlight and magnolias. It’s a made-up construct!
But we don’t have to discuss it anymore. You can thank Gov. Andy Beshear because it’s all settled. And once we get back to the mall, we will be one with our Ohio brethren; once we can travel, we can plan a trip to Indianapolis or Madison to meet our new best friends. No more Myrtle Beach, the Upper Peninsula is calling!
