Could better men lead to less violence? In Lexington, a few of them are trying to find out. | Opinion
A Latino teacher, a rapper and a professional soccer player walk into a ...
...this might be the moment you start to make some assumptions about the dumb joke I’m undoubtedly about to tell you.
But what if I said they walked, not into a bar but a TV studio, and there they started talking about love and violence and machismo and abuse and expectations and accountability and vulnerability and a bunch of other things that we assume (sometimes correctly) that men never talk about?
That did in fact happen on Wednesday afternoon when Devine Carama, Lexington’s gun violence prevention guru (and rapper) and his frequent co-host Sam Stockley, the British sporting director of Lexington Sporting Club sat down with Carlos Aguilar, an instructional coach in the Fayette County Schools,
They were filming the eighth episode of the “Good Guy Guide,” a podcast on men who want to be good guys, but might also be in various stages of getting there. It’s the latest production of the “It’s Time” campaign, Lexington’s project to improve Lexington’s domestic violence rates after they spiked in 2022.
According to the city’s Domestic and Sexual Violence Prevention Coalition, between 2010-2021 there were 1-4 domestic violence homicides per year, but in 2022, there were 13.
“We’re always trying to think about the root causes,” said Stephanie Theakston, the Coalition’s coordinator and the executive producer of the Good Guy Guide.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month so it’s a good time to discuss the topic. Truthfully, any time is good because for all the progress we’ve made, the laws we’ve passed, the protective orders issued, domestic violence is still one of those really thorny, intractable problems in Kentucky and everywhere else.
And maybe it’s time to expand the conversation beyond the mostly women who are policy makers and advocates. Maybe it’s time to get down to the roots of why some women and many more men feel the need to control and hurt and sometimes kill their loved ones.
As Carama notes frequently: “Asking women to solve domestic violence is like asking Black people to solve racism.”
Being vulnerable
Carama was a natural choice for the show because as director of One Lexington, he regularly sits down with young people to talk about gun violence.
“We knew from the get-go that we wanted Devine to lead this charge,” said Lillie Ruschell, the content creator for It’s Time. “Not only is he charismatic and at ease in front of the camera, but his audacity, his open heart, and his willingness to be vulnerable really drew us to him.”
Getting Sam Stockley on board was a plus because he represents a new generation in sports as a former professional soccer player now heading up Lexington’s first professional soccer club.
Guests have included people like Vice Mayor Dan Wu, Alex Elswick, founder of Voices of Hope, and a federal prosecutor named Zach Dembo, who discussed what they learned about gender roles watching their parents as kids. One one episode, Carama and Stockley interviewed their daughters.
“This is not a show to say we are the best guys,” Carama explained. “It’s about how we can be better. It provides space for men to have these conversations, to hold each other accountable. We want to get more guys to be comfortable in this space.
“A lot of guys are doing the work, but they don’t talk about it. “We want to talk about it.”
On Wednesday, the conversation went deep and it went dark, and you can watch for yourself on YouTube next week.
Carlos Aguilar talked about his abuse at the hands of an alcoholic father, which turned his perceptions of masculinity upside down. Before the show, he talked to me about his work with the National Campadres Network, here in Lexington, where he helps young Latino men use indigenous culture for healing and transformation.
“The whole idea is that men are the ones causing harm, but they’re not allowed to be vulnerable,” Aguilar said. “I see the tide shifting when boys are able to express themselves.”
Stockley opened up about being raised without a father present before joining a professional soccer franchise at the age of 13, and watching as his sport has slowly begun to embrace women’s soccer.
After the show, he said it had been an easy choice to take part because as a leader of young men, and now women, he wants them to understand how much gender roles have shifted.
“It’s so important for young people to know they’re not alone,” he told me. “Supported by the right people, you can achieve anything. We have to stop the old patterns — in the new era of sports, you can be vulnerable and successful at the same time.”
Better humans
This year’s run of Good Guy Guide will wrap on Halloween, when they do a recap of past episodes. But the producers the city will think about continuing funding for another round.
“Personally, I think this is the beginning of something that will take a very long time,” Ruschell said. “I think it will morph into trainings and launchpads for smaller groups.”
For Carama, the idea is to model a new way for men to talk to one another, which could maybe lead to a new ways of being men. Most social media, plus a presidential election, presents a drumbeat of polarizing messages about masculinity that makes the discussion even harder.
“The common thread is to be a better human ... and to show we can open up and have these hard conversations about doing that.”
You can watch the Good Guy Guide on Youtube, Apple, Spotify or wherever you get podcasts at https://m.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPiFX_H2XqoR1vFV7I5t_mKDCytT73Z5P
This story was originally published October 17, 2024 at 12:23 PM.
